Necromancy without flesh-eating Zombies.

Here’s the hard truth of it, When it comes to modern Necromancy, the real talk to the dead kind: there are no Flesh-eating Zombies. It would be all “Hot-topic cool to command a flesh-eating hord” but real Practical Necromancy is simply the Bribery of the Ghost. You have a Strongly tuned second-sight and know the dead of our departed surround us always, like being a lost child at a carnival. Even better You have a blood relation who loved you in life and you knew them well. Either way, you are making deals with gifts, because they were once (and still are with some new abilities) Human. And as we all know, we monkeys love a Motherfucking bribe, don’t we ladies and gents?

So how are you going to call, and then enlist, a dead monkey? Rewards one small step at a time. You do one set of jobs for me, I’ll bring you that thing you like. “But Cousin Vinny, fuckface, how do I get started and get a spirit to talk to me?” Glad you asked, hideous child-faced demon. People want it to be Skulls and black cloaks,but it’s really about aesthetic. What environment would your 75 Catholic Grandmother enjoy?

Did she love the smell of lilacs? What’s her favorite tea? The Dead can’t eat, but they can smell the shit out of a long-stemmed rose. Then it takes time, as the Prince and the Fox from the little prince. You scoot in, they move and watch. you move back and they come forward. It’s like a dance, cheek to cheek. It just may take you a month of heavy hinting to get them to dance with you. The main thing to understand is the dead don’t know anything more then they knew in life, and the ascended master humans come to you from Xanadux, not the other way around kiddo. You are cultivating a relationship and getting them to fall in love with you. This is the best-kept secret of any Necromancer, the dead must want to be around you. Your undead milk-shake will bring all the spirits to the yard, but you will have to pay,

Now you have Uncle Jack, the 55-year-old lumberjack from Hoboken, hanging around drinking Budweiser and tripping out the cat. What do you do with him? Ask him for a favor, to go to aunt Penelope and tell you what color shirt she has on. When he comes back and tells you, find out if he got it right, (Call aunt Penelope, she’d love to hear from you!) If so, pour him a shot glass of that maple syrup he liked so much in life…..
Stay gold ya’ll
(A sample of my upcoming Lecture about Necromancy on Nov 2, Day of the Dead in Austin TX.)

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